Cycle of Fear

3 weeks ago the hubs and I began our birthing classes at the lovely birthing and surgery center here in Surf City. We had no idea what to expect and went in with an open mind about my labor. AKA getting drugs. Lots of drugs. I was not holding back at all during week 1 when the substitute teacher asked by a raise of hands which of us were planning on going natural and which were sure they would have drugs. I shot my arm up as the hubs shook his head and laughed. We didn't get too much out of the first week since it was a sub but we did watch a video that followed 3 different labors. All of which were completed naturally. As in without the assistance of any drugs.

GULP

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What amazed me was THEY DID IT. Now I know that there are MANY women out there who complete their labor naturally. I also knew that I wouldn't be one of them.

Then I met Megan Bunch.

Now let me start off with a disclaimer that I don't KNOW what will exactly happen the day Baby Anglewood decides it's time, but I DO know that my mind is very open and aware of my options. It's an incredibly liberating feeling; one I've not fully developed until now. What can I say? I think one of my best qualities (if I do say so myself, thankyouverymuch) is that I am constantly trying to grow into a smarter person.

Lotus Flower|Bahram Farzad

Megan Bunch is a doula, childbirth educator and yoga instructor. She's also hilarious and incredibly "real" about the entire birthing process. She doesn't sugar coat a single thing and even said it's fine, great even to swear on our exhales as we experience contractions. YES!

Mom, you better not be in the room with me during transition because I've been given the okay to breath out F bombs. That alone is worth the price of going natural.

What?

I like to swear.

Anyhow, week 2 of class included the 3 stages of labor and when you actually go to the hospital. Now I believe with everything in me that simply put, I have the best birthing partner on the planet. The hubz is awesome. He is attentive in our classes and even contributes his thoughts and ideas. It's been an incredible bonding time that I will always cherish.

That said, he's also crazy. :-)

After Megan Bunch the amazing doula went over the 3 stages of labor we took a break. The room was buzzing and we were no exception. Here's a real conversation:

Me: "HA! You're probably gonna give me a kiss on the cheek and head to work when I go into Early Labor. HA!"

The Hubs: "Well I mean if it's early labor and you know you aren't contracting too much like she said blahblahblahblah"

Me: realizing he is NOT joking snaps my head to look into his eyes now big with fear and holding a look 'Oh S#*&, what did I say' "Wait, you AREN'T kidding are you?"

The Hubs: "Err, well, no I mean she said you could do normal things, go about your day during Early Labor, go shopping..I mean you heard her."

Me: "So you're just going to head out to work and let me go shopping. BY MYSELF? DURING EARLY LABOR?"

The Hubs: "Well, I mean not by yourself."

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All I know is that man is lucky there were witnesses. Because in my imagination he was ripped a new one. Hey. No one said these prego hormones were lady like.

Class started up again and I decided to table the Early Labor conversation for a later time when I was a bit more calm.

Now we've learned quite a bit in the last 3 classes but the most important lesson I've learned is how big of a role Fear plays in my heart, in my community and in our culture. I'm totally sold on the idea that our culture FEARS childbirth and paints it as this horrendous, painful awful experience. Painful I'm sure. But why the horrendous and awful parts?

I'm the first to raise my hand and say I believe it too and am working on moving past it. And Megan Bunch is helping me with that. I think the first step is to realize that I actually do have fear about childbirth and learn more about how to manage that fear. Learning more about fear, I understand that Fear leads to Tension which leads to Pain. Not the pain that comes naturally to labor, but pain that is unnecessarily there due to the fear of what's going on with my body causing me to tense up my body instead of release it.

This has probably been the biggest epiphany of my entire pregnancy. Sounds so simple. So easy! I'll just NOT tense up!

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Okay so I know I live in a land far, far away most of the time but even I know how hard it is to mentally get over a fear. But that's the path I've charted. So I decided that I wasn't going to automatically decide I will get drugs the second I'm admitted. Instead I decided that I'd "go with the flow".  See how things go. Sounds reasonable enough, right?

Well of course it does. Until I learned that the majority of women who make that same decision (turns out I'm not the only one with such a fantastic idea. Who knew?!) end up getting the drugs. No, it's the women who make the decision walking in to go naturally who are actually successful at it. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with mental strength.

Now don't get me wrong. I am absolutely an advocate for everyone to make their own choices when it comes to labor. It's an incredibly personal decision. I am simply trying to make the best decision for me and my labor. This is in no way my soapbox to advocate either choice. It's important for each person to come to her own decision. There is no "right" or "wrong" way. I truly believe that. Unlike some chickens in my birthing class.

Yeah, we get it little girl. You don't believe in drugs. Ever. Got it. No need to repeat yourself EVERY WEEK. There's always one in every class isn't there? That schmoozer sitting in the front row violently wagging her arm in the air "callonme ooh ooh callonemeeee!!" Life is funny that way I s'pose.

So last night's class included a video and lesson on the two types of drugs administered during labor. Both of which have their own lists of pros and cons. Of course at the question portion of the epidural lesson I nervously asked how big that needle was. Laughter ensued but I was serious. Sure enough Megan Bunch had the needles (yes, there are 2) and planned on showing those interested at that break. I won't get into much detail here except to say

1. I had no idea an epidural was a catheter inserted into the spinal column
2. The needle they use to insert the catheter? YIPES! That junk is big. Bigger than you think.

Turns out I wasn't the only one interested in the needles: "THAT NEEDLE IS SCARIER THAN ANY LABOR PAIN!" Knock it off little girl. We get it! You're not getting drugs. So why even look at the needle?  

So I'm playing with the idea of hiring Megan Bunch to provide some private 1 on 1 lessons to help me mentally get over the fear of it all. I already feel better after my classes understanding what it is the body is actually doing. There is no need to fear when I think of it physiologically. It's the mental part.

I've played the High/Low game with the Hubs in the past and am reinstating it in reference to last night's class:

High: Trying out all the various labor positions with the hubs supporting me both physically and emotionally. :-) He's the best. I promise.
Low: Duh. That needle. And the cons to drugs.

Song of the Day

I have so much to "talk" about and am saving some really great things for this weekend. The rain is falling outside making it perfect weather to sit by the fireplace and write, write write.

In the meantime I have a fun story to share. So the baby is now nearly 30 weeks along and moving so much. I'll get into this more soon and probably say this same thing over and over again but this is the best thing I've ever done and I'm thankful everyday for this pregnancy blessing.

Profile of Baby at Week 28

So my commute to work takes an average of 30 minutes each day. During that time of slow and go the things I do in the car can usually fall into 2 categories: I call Gramma and Grampa Sugar to chat (hands free of course, duh), or sing along to the XM radio.

I have my favorite stations and one happened to play Van Morrison's Into the Mystic. Now if you KNOW me, know me then you know how much I enjoy a good horn section. And this song has in my opinion one of the best. You'll also know that I like to listen to my favorite parts of songs VERY LOUDLY.

What? If it's too loud then you're too old. :-P

As the initial horn section begins I turn it up. Way up. As I got lost into the music (all while watching the road like a hawk. The mama kind.) I felt this baby move along. Slow at first but then picked up feeling like big swirls. Delighted I squealed out loud OVER the music: "I have a dancing baby ala Ally McBeal!" I've always wanted one of those! It was magical as I imagined my sweet babes moving along to the music, feeling my pats encouraging more dancing. Tears sprung and my hand started patting that babes harder as it enjoyed the music along with me.

Then I kind of thought of the words as I sung along to the chorus and realized it could easily be a metaphor or theme song for this baby coming into the world and me getting ready for it...without any fear.

When that fog horn whistle blows you know I will be comin' home
mmmmmhhmmmm
Yeah and when that fog horn whistle blows I gotta hear it
I don't have to fear it
And I wanna rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
and magnificently we will fold
Into the Mystic

Beyond Blessed,
Cares

Grandma and Grandpa Sugar

Probably two of my most favorite people on the planet have been married 69 years. I can't express how much I adore my grandparents. They are the sweetest, most caring people as evidenced by the plethora of friends and family who love them. I'm not kidding. They can make friends anywhere and no matter where they are in the country they always manage to meet someone who also once lived in Saginaw, St. Ignas or Mackinaw Island.

I talk to them both once a week to catch up and just keep in touch. I miss them terribly and so wish I had them closer to me. Grandpa and I take up most of the time talking about my football picks for the week. I think he loves that his granddaughter is in a pick 'em pool and has something other than the weather to talk about. Grandma lets me get all excited about the baby and doesn't mind that I get emotional every time we talk. She recently just joked that at least now I have an excuse to be so sappy. What she didn't admit is that I get it from her.

The photo above is taken from my wedding 2 years ago. I don't remember the context of the photo but what I love so much is that after 69 years of marriage Grandpa can still make my Grandmother laugh like that. What I do remember from his speech was that he told me I was as good a woman as my Grandma.  To be compared to Grandma Sugar was probably the compliment of my life. She's that amazing.

I'm a hopeless romantic and know like many I have a skewed and unrealistic idea of what love 'should' be. Luckily for me I have a real life example in Grandma and Grandpa Sugar. Their love is real and what I hope mine to look like. Their faith is truly an inspiration and I am so grateful and blessed by them.

The same day they celebrated their anniversary (Feb. 1) one of my favorite duos released their first full length album. On this album is a song that I could listen to over and over. I don't believe in coincidences and now have a modern song that makes me think of my Grandparents Sugar.

My friend Heather....

Back in college I was presented with the opportunity to spend a semester to study in Bath. I met some of the most amazing, talented people. People I've been able to recently re-connect with thanks to Facebook. What I miss the most about my trip was the accountability we provided one another as writers. We were writing EVERY DAY. Sometimes we'd be writing ALL DAY. We'd write in our personal journals, our travel writing journals, our letters home, required classwork essays, poetry, short stories...on and on. I hate to admit this but I was as home sick as a helicopter mom's pathetic kid on his first trip to summer camp. But the writing helped. The accountability helped. I haven't been through my old writings in some time and hope to pull it out now that I'm "nesting" and dig into it.

The point of bringing this up is to introduce a very talented friend who is also expecting her first baby any day now. I have so many vivid memories of Heather and our time in Bath, but one that sticks out includes our last week there. We had a group of about 25 students and 4 faculty members on the trip with us. Some English majors, some Theater majors and some just major idiots. Just kidding. Kind of.

Anyhow, I was never unaware of how unbelievably talented Heather was so I told her it would be a fun thing to write a poem for the final dinner to read in front of all of our colleagues and faculty. BUT, knowing full well how fantastic of a writer  she was, I told her we had to write it in 5 minutes and could only include what we came up with in that time frame.

Why you ask? Well, I figured if people knew that I only had 5 minutes to prepare something they would be much kinder and not hold the same level of accountability as if I had 5 hours. That's a big difference to a writer.

Anyhow, Heather liked the idea and came up with something amazing in 5 minutes but decided she wanted to craft it and turn it into something much more special. And it was. "Sometimes a Chard" is what it was called and all I can remember about it's contents is that I teared up and felt much too silly to read the something "fun" I had written in 5 minutes. It would be like Katy Perry following Pavarotti.

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See I am self-conscious just like the rest of you.

Anyhow, today Heather has her own blog filled with many amazing posts. In fact anytime I visit her blog I am filled with calmness and always leave inspired. You can tell I've taken her idea of including images into my posts as she has in order to make my posts that much more "decorated". I hope the saying holds true: "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and I hope she feels flattered to have me share her work with you. She has been on some amazing adventures including a recent BIG move from Patagonia to the States that I won't spoil for you here. She can be found at http://www.ameasureof.blogspot.com as well as on my "Can't Get Enough Of" blog roll. I've printed out her most recent post and carry it with me as a reminder.  I'm not sure any book I read will comfort me as much as her poem has.

If you ever read this Heather, thank you for the inspiration, accountability and I wish all the blessings for you, S and your soon to be family of 3.

:17

So I don't know if it's the recent shaking of the San Andreas Fault or what but last night found me waking up at 17 past the hour EVERY hour starting at midnight.

Yesterday I was up so early that I just decided to hit the gym. I had some funny stares while I was there. I guess it does look a bit funny for a woman 6 months pregnant to be jogging on a treadmill. But I didn't care. I set my Pandora to the JayZ channel and ran a mile and a half and ended my workout with a bit of a modified version of Tracy Anderson's legs video she sent me.

What? Oh I know. I'm not Gwenyth but if I can get legs like Petter Potts then you'd better believe I'll try it. Now that the doc gave the okay for cardio I am going to attempt pruning these tree trunks!

The main point is, I'm getting used to these early mornings and have decided to make lemonade by getting to the gym. The problem is at 12:17 I had two options: 1. Force myself back to sleep or 2. Stay up watching shake weight infomercials until the gym opens at 5:30.

What I DIDN'T know was that every hour after that at 17 minutes past exactly, I'd wake up thinking it was time to get out of bed and hit the gym. Turns out I wasn't the only one. At 3:17 on the nose I woke up thinking I heard the shower. I very gracefully turned over and saw through hazy eyes that the hubs was not in bed. I fell back asleep and woke up in a fright with the hubs standing over me telling me he was heading into work. Turns out he couldn't sleep either.

4:17 came and went and when 5:17 came by it was time to get up and hit the gym. First things first, Winston was whining to get out and relieve his bladder. Oscar looked so cozy in bed that I decided sleep was more important than the gym and told myself that if I didn't fall asleep in 5 minutes I'd get myself ready for the gym.

I didn't wake up until the alarm went off at 6:15.

Nothing exciting or ground breaking but thought it was sort of eery to be waking up at the same time EVERY HOUR. Maybe 17 is my lucky number this week...

Monday, oh Monday

Happy New Year! I hope this year brings us all peace, joy and lots of fantastic memories.

Monday morning, well that did NOT provide with a fantastic memory.

Each week day I get up and dread the work day and each morning has it's routine:

Wake up
Let the dogs out
Feed the dogs
Get ready for work
Let the dogs out one last time
Put Winston in his run/garage
Go to work

Hey! I never said it was an EXCITING routine.

Well when I let the dogs out the second time I usually put Winston on his tether so he can chase the birds and be free to run and play for a little while. This makes Shawn tremble with fear that Winston will somehow escape or what I don't know. Shawn's imagination is not a predictable one so I have had no idea what his fear was and didn't pay mind to his conservative methods of managing the dogs. I  just let Winston have his fun outside while I finish up getting ready inside. This has never led to anything weird or unsavory. Until this past Monday.

For some reason I went out to check on things and noticed he was chasing something. Maybe a bird, maybe a gopher, I don't know. What I do know is the moment the thought "Something REAL WEIRD is about to happen" it did.

Winston had run to the side of the house where the water source pipe sticks out far and attaches to his endless water dish. Well with Winston comes his tether and his tether had wrapped around the PVC pipe that connects the pipe to his water dish. The something REAL WEIRD was that as Winston gave up his search for whatever ran that way, he took off in the opposite direction resulting in a very loud SNAP and water GUSHING out into the yard looking something like a geyser.

So what did I do? Oh, only what I do best in situations like these.

PANIC!

ohmygoshwheredoesthispipegotohowdoIturnitoff???

Winston is none the wiser running about hoping I'll see he's picked up his Jolly Ball and toss it across the yard 85 times for him. Oscar, hating confrontation, retreated to the furthest point in the house that still allows a direct view to all of the chaos.

I call Shawn and freak out as I explain what I see in front of me. He of course is cool as a cucumber as I ream him for not putting the wrench back after fixing the garbage disposal.

Well! There's water going EVERYWHERE and I can't shut off the water main without a wrench!

I finally find the wrench but it's not gripping the water main. I call Shawn back and simply tell him he's just going to have to come back home.

Instead he calls Megan R. who is busy getting herself ready. Oh and her 2 kids. Oh and her 2 dogs. Oh and her hubs.

Megan is over in a flash with a cup of coffee in one hand and a wrench in the other. I greet her at the door with my hair soaking and my shirt splotchy. Yep, you guessed right! I tried to push the broken pieces of pipe back together. What?! I was desperate. But this Megan, man She's a real gem. How many girls do YOU know that are that well-rounded and ready to handle any home issue?

And whaddya know? In about 3 seconds flat she's managed to make me look like a fool as her wrench perfectly fits the water main valve as she miraculously turns it off. All while she is wrenching in one hand, holding a conversation with me in between sips of her coffee NOT EVEN LOOKING at the water main.

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I mean I used to think I was handy. Well given that I lived with Trixie and Leasy I guess Oscar would come off as handy. Imposable thumbs and all.

So all was back to normal and I was on my way out the door.

I suppose once the babes comes I'll be dealing with all kinds of "fires" like these and then have the rest of the day to tackle. At least it's preparing me.

A Real Conversation-Christmas Version

Scene: Cares and the Hubs driving to breakfast before attempting the slew of strollers and angry elves at the mall. Cares is singing along to EVERY Christmas song on the commercial-free satellite car stereo. Even to the songs she doesn't know the words to. What? It's Christmas!

Cares: (taking a break from her solo part in The First Noel) Babe, what's your FAVORITE Christmas song
Hubs: Ummmm....
Cares:  (thinking she just KNOWS he's going to say "I dunno" like he does to EVERY random question she puts out there) interupts with What's your FAVORITE Christmas song and there's a gun pointed at your head?
Hubs: Rudolph
Cares: Blink, Blink Blink. Rudolph? Really?
Hubs: There's a gun pointed at my head! That's the first one I thought of! Rudolph!

Laughter filled the car as Cares thought there HAS to be a better way to get his opinions out.

Someone Smack Me

Okay. So I HATE clutter in my home. HATE IT. I had a major freakout over the weekend regarding a messy, cluttery kitchen that included feet stomping, real tears and some incoherent shouting about TOO MUCH STUFF. The poor hubs didn't know what to do so he just grabbed me by the shoulders, guided me to bed and kissed my face a million times before I curled up and fell asleep.

Cute.

Sure. REAL CUTE CARE! Sigh

So rewind to last week when a VERY generous co-worker offered up the opportunity for me and my ever growing bump to take a look at her stash of toys in her car headed for donation.

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Headed. For. Donation.

Hmmmm. Now call me crazy but

WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO CLUTTER MY HOUSE WITH TOYS ON THEIR WAY OUT?

Two possible reasons for the generosity:

1. Her kids have outgrown the toys and she is simply passing them on to a soon-to-be clueless mama
2. She didn't really want to drive to the donation site

I'm certain it's option 1. and she's just incredibly helpful. So someone please tell me I'm being unreasonable and tell me to take the toys filling up a Christmas-sized shopping bag and find a new home for them at my house where they can eagerly await the arrival of our sweet bundle. Or tell me to give them away! I'm very impressionable when it comes to my 3 readers. Okay maybe 4 on a good day. But you get the point.

I'm TRYING to prepare for the influx of STUFF we're about to be given and I still don't think I'll be able to comprehend it.

Help?

Baby Sidney

It's been a long trying week for the Blackwoods. Shawn's cousins have suffered a mighty big loss and it's been nothing short of heart-breaking. If you wouldn't mind sending your thoughts and prayers their way I know it won't go unnoticed.

I sometimes struggle with my Faith but am nothing short of grateful for it when there's such a great loss with no explanation. That's the hardest time for me to believe and keep that faith, but I cling to it like a child clings to his mama. There's been a lot of tears and praying going on in my house and you can bet if you're reading this, you've been in them. 

Hug your loved ones oh so tightly tonight because life is short and sometimes very unfair.

All my love,
Cares

Free Music

I love getting new songs and love it even more when they're FREE!

I also love getting into the Holiday spirit and that means Holiday music. :-) The Civil Wars is giving away two free downloads and they are quite lovely. You can find out about it on their Facebook page here:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/thecivilwars

And get the free tracks here:

http://app.topspin.net/store/artist/3620?wId=46685&theme=black&highlightColor=0x00A1FF&w=400&h=300&src=fb

I'm feeling great and have a full on bump now. You can't see it from the Thanksgiving picture below but I'll post some pictures tomorrow. :-)

I still haven't felt the baby move and it's the size of a sweet potato now so you'd think I'd be able to feel it moving all about. I long for that day.

I'm a full 41/2 months along now which according to MY math means I'm halfway there! We'll see if baby feels the same way about that math. :-)

I have my 20 week check up on the 17th at 9am so any prayers and thoughts you send my way would be great. I'm confident Dr. Taylor will give me a clean bill and show me that the placenta is no longer blocking the cervix.

I've been listening to her and limiting myself to walking everyday at lunch for 30-45 minutes. It feels great to be getting some exercise.

Mom met me and the Hubs at the Baby Store in Los Gatos to get schooled on all things baby stuff. We picked out some items and are of course comparing prices which led to a wicked argument about what else? MONEY! Sigh. One of these days we'll be able to communicate without it ending in tears, teeth gnashing and door slamming.

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What? Haven't you ever heard of pregnancy hormones?

Apparently the hubs has not and has not a thought about simply smiling and nodding rather than asking questions that lead into arguments. Again I ask this amazingly wonderful God of mine what in the world he was thinking putting a man and woman together. But that's a topic for an entirely separate blog post. :-)

Luckily I have a very good friend who's husband thinks pretty close to identically to mine. She listened and offered me sage advice on handling these discussions that start out with me excited about acribandadresserandastrollerandbassinetandacarseatandaandaanda well you get it, and end with the hubs punching the seemingly impossible numbers in his head.

I was not brought up to believe in that word. Impossible. It was a swear word in our house and I believe we'd have our mouths washed out with soap if we were to even THINK it.

What do you get when you mix a pessimist realist with a dreamer? Just come on over to our house, bring up acribandadresserandastrollerandbassinetandacarseatandaandaanda and you'll find out. ;-) Mostly it's a gorgeous, complimenting, loving pairing but sometimes the stubborn-ness  wins out and we both lose.

What?

Oh right. Like YOUR relationships are all rainbows and butterflies. Liar.

It's what makes us smarter, wiser and better people and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm open to any and all communication tips however. Those are never too much.

Love,
Cares