There is not much to update on, but this morning I had a thought. And it's a negative one; one my positive-minded-always-lookin'-on-the-brightside-momma would not like. Recently Shawn and I were offered a once in a lifetime opportunity only to have it brutally retracted by the person offering it up. Vague, yes. I suppose some writers would say they're protecting the innocent when they leave out names and full details. In this case I feel like we are the innocent and I'm protecting the selfish.
I was never brought up thinking that life was fair. But I was brought up to work hard, put good things out there and things have a way of evening themselves out. Pardon me if I don't believe that anymore.I've had to grow up a little in the past few days. And not in the good way. I like to try and grow in more positive ways: praying more, insight from a book or a conversation, bend in rocky situations, but this is one situation that even the bendiest yogi would struggle with. I'm definitely more cynical than I was a week ago. I just don't understand how some people can go through life believing that their "good intentions" are enough.
They're not. And I'm pissed.
And sad, and disappointed, and let down. And sadly I'm not feeling these things for myself but for my husband who has overcome some pretty big hardships to get where he is only to be slapped in the face yet again, forced to pick himself up, dust off the smut and keep his head high. I don't know how he does it. He's one of the strongest people I've ever met.
Have you ever hated someone? I mean that I-will-spit-in-your-eye-when-I-see-you hate? I've really only ever hated the word "hate" so this is a new emotion for me. But I definitely harbor hate mixed with sympathy.
Blink
Blink
Blink
How do hate and sympathy go together? I'm not sure but that's what I'm living this week. If I can make any sense of it I'll let you know.
Back to my point about life not being fair. I get that. So forgive the contradiction that quickly follows, but what's the point of working hard, hushing the thoughts that are screaming and twisting inside of us just pining to wrestle their way out when the very thing you've always wanted is in your grasp only to be snatched away leaving you with a cackling voice croaking something about good intentions. Is it only one sided this karma or whatever you want to call it? Naw, it's just life and sometimes life hands you situations that try you and form you in ways you weren't expecting or wanting.
My momma raised me right and so I always find some semblance of silver lining, and it's this:
I'm glad that I know the sides of my husband that he doesn't readily share. I'm so blessed that he trusts me enough to show me who he really is and so sad that the people who SHOULD know what I know and see him the way I do don't. They don't even have the INTENTION to.
It's just life and sometimes it's not life that sucks but the people IN our lives that suck*.
*Growing up there was a short list of words we were not allowed to use in our house due to their vulgarity, and "sucks" is one of them. Please understand the use of the word "suck" in my life today is one in the same of the harshest of inappropriate words. If you don't believe me you can ask my mom who also washed our mouths out with soap for using the term "ghetto blaster". :-)
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